Where’s Your Happy Place?

It may feel like you got lost in life but God never once lost you. - Unknown

A happy place is where you go during difficulty and sadness.  It is a place you go for a moment of joy and peace. As a kid my parents’ arms were my happy place. As I got older the beach became my happy place. I loved putting my feet in the sand and feeling the sun on my face and hearing the waves and collecting shells. I could go on and on. It gave me joy. But a time came in my life that changed everything. 

Five years after my husband passed I got married again. He came into my life in a very romantic way. We met at my happy place. A beautiful beach in Cape Cod. It was quite the whirlwind romance. He was caring and sweet and attentive. Practically swept me off my feet. A year later we got married and I was pregnant 5 months after. That is when my nightmare began. The cheating, the lying, the emotional abuse. Once it began it got worse and worse. It was hard to go to a happy place because I wasn't allowed one. He would keep me busy with silly arguments that would be about nothing and resolve nothing. They would go in circles and circles leaving me exhausted. I was betrayed multiple times in such a short amount of time. The betrayals would leave me reeling and my trust which had been fully intact was shattered to so many pieces. He used gaslighting to cover it up. I started to doubt everyone and everything. Did he really lie?Did I see what I saw? Did that really happen? Soon I started to doubt myself. He would attack my character. I was called selfish, bossy, controlling, mean. The hurt, anger and confusion started to include depression and exhaustion. Next thing I know I’m a shell of myself lying to everyone around me and contemplating suicide. I felt like I failed and at the same time like my life was a prison. How do I get out? How do I save my kids and myself? Including my unborn child. 

I had completely lost my happy place. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I didn’t tell my family or my best friend all that was going on. His mom told me I was failing as a wife because I talked too much. That I wasn’t being submissive enough. That I was hurting my kids who needed a dad if I left. I felt I had to try and save my marriage and be a good wife so my husband could stop hurting me so much. There were times he would turn around and be the sweetest person again that I would be eager to keep this nice person around longer. But that never happened. One question kept running through my mind. How could someone who said they love you and want to take care of you cause you so much pain? The longer I stayed, the worse it got. His anger was getting worse.

Once I realized nothing was going to change, I made the decision to leave. Leaving was the first step on my healing journey. It was also the best thing I could have done. For myself and my kids. It has indeed been a journey. Through it all I discovered my true and real happy place. God. Through that entire nightmare He kept me going. He revealed who my husband truly was. He strengthened me through my pregnancy. He reminded me that even healing is not instantaneous but a process. A process that runs on God’s timeline for your benefit. God is a happy place that will never go away and never change. You can sit with Him in silence and just rest. Watch how peace you can’t explain takes over you. You can even cry with Him in your space or scream. No matter what you need to do at the moment He will send you exactly what you need. Including a friend with an amazing shoulder to cry on. Most importantly give God your heart to heal. He knows just what it needs.