Against the Odds

“My destiny is in no man’s hands but God’s. Against all odds: I ARISE!” - Buky Ojelabi

When my husband and first love of my life died, I felt my heart break. I thought it literally was cracking into pieces in my chest. I had chest pain and panic attacks. I felt like I was struggling to breathe. When I realized my second husband never loved me, I felt the pain come over me again. The helpless feeling. The breaking down of life and everything in it. It was as if I fell down this really deep hole and the odds were stacked against me in survival. There was no way I was going to get out of this depth. I was on the ocean floor curled up in a ball. I wanted to scream but had no voice. It was awful and painful and felt like it would never end. Just a long dark tunnel. Days would go by, then weeks and months and still I cried. When would I breathe again? When would I be able to come up for air? When would I be able to not feel pain at certain sounds and smells. When would I be able to not feel this agonizing hurt that clung to me?

I see those moments of heart break as being up against all odds.

If I had fallen and cut myself, I could see the pain and attempt to stop the bleeding. I would clean myself up and put a nice bandage on it and allow time to heal it. But in this case, the cut in on the inside and it is deep. I can’t control the bleeding. I can’t clean it up. It is in my chest and I just want to dig in and rip it out. Throw it away, burn it to the ground and pray it never comes back to haunt me. But that is not the case. So that helpless awful feeling tries to overwhelm and fully engulf and survival kicks in. Do what you can to get through this minute, day, week, whatever it is. But every time I felt like I took a step forward, I then felt two steps back. Was I ever going to get out of this tunnel?

I give you my experience because I know there is anyone out there who relates. Who is nodding their head with tears as you are reading this because you are my person, the one who is in the trenches, and it is my goal right now in this moment to encourage and pour love on you. 

FIRST

God did not give you the spirit of fear…(2 Tim 1:7). There is an ending! This dark tunnel does have an end. You won’t stay here forever no matter how hard and how long it is taking. Take it from me. I made it to the other side. The day came where the pain was lighter, the panic attacks stopped, the breathing got easier. Time was key. It may have been a slow journey, but it does end. Slow is better than forever. And just think right now you are two seconds closer to the end. Focus on the next step. Do not fear the future. It gets better. Far better than you could imagine. 

SECOND

…but the spirit of power… (2 Tim 1:7). You will survive this! You are a magnificent powerful human being. You don’t even know what you are capable of. But God is showing you all of it. In this journey of healing, you will surprise yourself with your capabilities. You will withstand things, understand things, conquer things, face things, fight things. The list continues. I know the desire to lay there is strong. And it is fine to do that when needed. But you will get up, you will take that first step, and you will move forward. 

THIRD

…and of love…(2 Tim 1:7). You will love again! Something I most definitely did not want to hear. Both after my loss and my divorce. All was dead to me. But you will love someone else someday, but more importantly you will love you. I did not expect loving myself would be included. I started to love and appreciate myself. I realized I deserve good things. I didn’t deserve the mistreatment from my second husband. I didn’t deserve to be alone the rest of my life. Not only did love begin to cover me from those around me, but I started to see God’s love in many places, and it reminded me to forgive myself, treat myself, pamper myself and just love me and who I am. Not begin to change who I am for others but embrace myself for the person God made me to be.

FOURTH

…and of a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7). You will be just fine! You will gain wisdom. You will gain strength. You will be renewed and refreshed. God will fight your battles. God will protect you. God will carry you when needed and God will give you peace. Hold on to Him and cry to Him. When you can’t move, don’t. Resting is just as important in a battle as is fighting. Exhausted fighters don’t do well. Keep fighting those feelings from consuming you. Because they sure will try. Not everyone will say the right thing. Your mind will go to the worst places. Your circumstances will even seem to get worse. But you, my dear, will be just fine. 

Against all odds, you are going to come out the victor. You will win your peace, your healing, your happiness, and the sun will rise again someday. In the meantime, know that God loves you so very much! You may be wondering, why did He let this storm come? Why did He allow you to go through this? I can’t answer that, but I can tell you He is not letting you go through it alone. Not for one second. I remember wracking my brain trying thinking ‘I must have done something wrong in my life to get this punishment’. But let me tell you, that is not true. You are not being punished at all. Forget those “stupid choices”. My dear, you are His beautiful child who lives in a broken world. Things will happen, storms will come, but you will come out of it like a phoenix. So get ready to fly again soon.