The Ugly Bucket

“I am imperfectly perfect, I am accepting all my flaws. I am no longer letting my insecurities put my life on pause.” - Monica Carolan

Growing up I carried an ugly bucket. Not an actual bucket. It was the mental part where I put every comment someone said to me about looking ugly. The boy in 3rd grade who said I have rabbit teeth. That “friend” in high school who said there’s no way anyone would ask me out for a date. My father’s colleague who said “it’s nice to meet your son.”  They all went into the bucket. I held them all close to heart and accepted them as truth. As more comments were made as I got older, my bucket got filled. By high school I was convinced I was hideous. I had to be the local hunchback. I was teased and called names like witch because I wore pointed shoes. I had no fashion sense but it was a high school with uniforms. Still I was bullied for it. I was never asked out or talked to. 

Then one day my friend wanted to give me a makeover. She had become popular my second year in this new school. She moved to the new popular crowd but still said hi to me. She wanted me to join her so she decided to reveal my new look at a school sports event. She got rid of my glasses, straightened my hair, gave me a cute top and mini skirt and shoes. I could hear everyone say I looked cute. The problem however was that I couldn’t see anything. Literally nothing. My glasses prescription was strong and I didn’t have contacts. So she had to guide me like a blind person all around and I tried concentrating on balancing in the shoes. It was a sweet gesture but by the end of the day my bucket was still full. I still felt awkward and couldn’t give a confident smile. I half expected my life to completely change. But nothing. 

By college, I decided to try and redefine my look completely. I got contacts, braids, and started reading fashion magazines. It paid off because finally, I got a date! We got in his car and he asked me what music I liked and I hesitated. I was too scared to be myself. My uncertainty with my outside looks had seeped in, creating bigger insecurities. What if he didn’t like my personality as well? I felt I needed to like whatever everyone liked and listened to. My ugly bucket was officially overflowing and affecting everything else. 

Thankfully, God sends help when you need it. Good people were placed around me. They encouraged me to be honest about myself and my likes. They encouraged me to not have to try so hard to look “pretty”. I was reminded often that I was already beautiful. With each reminder and each encouragement my bucket began to get lighter and lighter. My eyes were opened to the truth of the matter.

In the end, it all comes down to me. Someone was always going to find me ugly and someone was always going to find me beautiful. But the only person that mattered was me. No matter what was going on, I needed to accept me. We are all different in our unique ways. We cannot go by the standards of others or else we will always find something wrong. Always. These same standards are constantly changing, so keeping up is exhausting and impossible. Let me leave you with one more thing. If God, the one who has never not once made a mistake, can create you and say you are good, then guess what. You are.